Book description by homeschooloasis.com
This book was very instrumental many years ago in helping me get to the root cause of some tensions, wrong attitudes, and unhealthy relating that was taking place between myself and my children.
Dealing with these is not something to put off until the academics are done, but to consider very much an integral part of our children's education! (I can't stress this enough!)
This book helps you recognize a closed heart in your children and gives practical steps to opening the heart of a child who has shut you out — and keep you from unknowingly causing that to happen. I know it sounds radical, but if you do not have your child's heart, you may as well not attempt homeschooling! And if you don't, start with this and other books in this section.
Points of impact for me:
I have come to realize that of the many books through this study, about five stood out as the most significant in my homeschool journey. This was one of them.
5 steps to reopen a child's heart
You, the parent, become tenderhearted
Increase our understanding of emotional world pictures (try to feel what another being (human or animal) would feel)
Admit when you are wrong to your child
Attempt to touch
Seek forgiveness
Repeat as needed
How to open your own heart
Recognize that the person who has offended you has problems of his own.
Make a commitment to pray for someone who has offended us.
Two most important factors in raising children
Establish clearly defined and understood rules in the home. Limits that the children know they cannot violate without some consequence.
A commitment to love each child in a warm, affectionate and supportive eay.
Expressing love
Make an unconditional commitment to them for life.
Schedule special times with the family; meaningful for all persons involved.
Communicate that we are available to our children.
Frequent eye contact with your child effectively communicates love.
Listen
Eye contact
Never assume you know what they are saying
Repeat in different words what you think they mean
Do not over react or take immediate action
Do not ridicule what our children say-lowers self worth.
Meaningful touch-sit in lap while reading stories, hold hands
Recognize each child as an individual, yet and equally inportant memer of the family.
As a couple, strive to be in agreement over all family issues.
Parents should be careful not to withold acceptance if a child does not perform to their expectations. Help children choose theor own goals.
0-10: How good do you want to be?!
Help kids visualize the positives of reaching goals and negatives of not.
Remember the power of praise.
Focus on what they did right today.
Expose them to a variety of activities. Wait for their interest, then support as best you can.
Expect your kids to do things right. Believe your kids can acheive great things. Help children develop a positive self image.
Expose your children to people you admire.
6 characteristics to a close knit family
high degree of appreciation for each other
spend alot of time together
good communication patterns
strong sense of commitment
religious orientation
deal with crisis positively
It is possible, right, and ssential that parents establish what is clearly defined and acceptable and unacceptable behavior in their children.
“If you aim for nothing, you will hit it every time.”
Relationship with God is most important element in our lives
We should love and value people as we value ourselves
Create a family contract. This promotes harmony. (Set goals and expectations to reach those goals to create a close knit family)
We need to continually learn, review, practice, and relearn the basics of parenting.
Family night-one night a week-Games, conversation or debate, go out, special dinner
When we are in God's will, following His way, then and only then does He empower us.
Make sure your kids can tell the whole truth. Instill a Godly pattern in your kids when they are young. Take a stand on movies, friends, right from wrong.
Motivating children-The child sets the goal. True motivation comes from
a)desire for gain, and b) fear of loss
Use the child's natural bent (personality). 5 personality types:
Strong willed: they believe they are right; critical; perfectionist; right v. wrong; “foot in mouth”; negative thinker; persistent; loyal; good memory; touched by sad stories
Do's and dont's in motivation: Fully explain things; even if they are blunt, don't be back to them; avoid prolonged arguments
Peacemaker: conforms; pliable; dependent; supportive; tender; avoids arguments; introverted
- Do's and don'ts: Need to know we like them for them; do not stereotype; be a friend to them; help discover their goals and help meet them; encourage discussion of feelings, not facts; avoid harshness
- Cheerleader: manipulative; excitable; under-disciplined; reactive; promotional; creative; communicative; impulsive; competitive
- Do's and don'ts: help set realistic goals; help them come up with their own solutions; avoid prolonged arguments-they have the need to win.
- Pusher: Objective; cool; independent; competitive; pushy; harsh
- Do's and don'ts: help him to see the results of his behavior; more interested in knowing what will happened versus why; give facts, not feelings
- Helper: assist versus empathy; exacting-their way only; undependable; impulsive; no long range planning; conform to avoid conflict; overcommitted
- Do's and don'ts: Praise is important; help them organize, but don't demand
- Realize that all children can adjust and change no matter what
- Use the SALT Principle (salt makes you thirsty…wanting more): Gets their attention. Use a child's interest to teach specific things that a parent believes are important.
- Clearly identify what you wish to communicate
- Identify your listeners most important interests
- Share just enough of your idea to stimulate curiosity
- Use questions to increase curiosity
- Communicate your idea only after you have your child's full interest.
- Clearly identify what you wish to communicate
- Use emotional word pictures- Associate your feelins with either a real or imaginary experience. Identify how you are feeling, then make a story about that feeling.
- Use the SALT Principle (salt makes you thirsty…wanting more): Gets their attention. Use a child's interest to teach specific things that a parent believes are important.
After talking with you today about this book, I just had to read your summary of what stood out for you. These are all of the same areas that meant the most to me too….basically the whole book. I just LOVED this book….I'm so glad to have read it and can't wait to share it with DH and start using some of the ideas and methods that Gary Smalley wrote about.
-Megan